


Is this all that I am?

by bigbridgeenergy



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon, shumako
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigbridgeenergy/pseuds/bigbridgeenergy
Summary: Several years following his adventures as a Phantom Thief, Ren spends an evening with some old friends and ponders his future.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Is this all that I am?

"It doesn't matter how many times I see him do it, I find it unsettling."

Lala eyed Ren with amusement. It wasn't exactly unfair either, Ren himself found it a little strange, considering what it was like when he first came to Crossroads.

"Lala that's lightest beer you have here. It's practically water. He's drinking it at a snail's pace. As far as I'm concerned nothing has changed." Ohya's signature wit hadn't faded with the passage of time. "If anything it might be worse than back in the day." 

"Oh give the kid a break, he only ordered it because you kept guilting him," Lala groaned.

Even after he was finally of age, Ren never did develop a taste for alcohol. He'd tried various drinks but there was something about the flavor of alcohol that he couldn't quite get used to. Beyond that, the effect of several drinks felt more debilitating than he could tolerate. Despite all of this, he felt the need to fire back.

"Ohya, if I wasn't drinking too, you and your tequila would be way too depressing."

Ohya briefly paused at this, a look of surprise coming across her face as she bursted into laughter. "You're such a wise ass, kid," she started. "I have taught you well. Cheers!" Lala was barely suppressing, from chuckling, something Ren had seen only rarely.

Ren and Ohya had met up several times since the trouble that year, usually to catch up and generally shoot the shit. Typically Ren hadn't gone to see her alone, but in this case the reasoning for his visit was a bit more personal, more private. There were things he wanted insight on, things that he wasn't really prepared to discuss with other people, including Ohya herself.

Ohya took a shot of tequila with a ferocity and discipline that was almost troubling. "Tell me something Ren," she asked, "how many years have we been hanging out?"

"It's been about five years."

"Half a decade huh?" Ohya sighed. To her it didn't really seem so long ago that she had a chance meeting with an odd high school student, which later turned into a deeply unprofessional working relationship. He didn't really seem all that different from back then, though maybe a bit taller, a little more distinguished. In the least he dressed as sharply as he ever did. Deep down, Ohya felt that Lala was right, it was unsettling to see him here, but not really in the way the hostess had described. She couldn't quite explain it.

For a time, both Ren and Ohya looked down into their glasses. Ohya broke the brief silence.

"Wait a minute kid, I haven't seen you here in ages without your girlfriend. Trouble in paradise?"

"Ohya..." Lala scolded.

Ren stiffened up, uncharacteristically rattled by the question. He tried and failed to play it off cool. "Oh no, god no, nothing like that. She's told me she's got to stay late at the university tonight, figured I'd go out."

Surprised by her friend's defensiveness, Ohya shifted gears. "Well in any case, it's been a long time since you've been to Crossroads alone, something on your mind?"

This was the opening that Ren was looking for. "Actually yeah. You remember that I've been studying political science for a couple of years now, right?"

"Well yeah, sure." Ohya was surprised to hear Ren bring this up, he had never seemed to be too kind to discuss his own academics. She expected more bon mots than something so personal.

"I wanted to ask you a question that I feel you might be uniquely qualified to answer. It's kind of heavy but..."

Ren immediately began having second thoughts about this. Ohya looked at him curiously and gestured for to him to continue. 

Ren continued: "I know you've been writing about politics for a while now. You've seen how the game is played, you've watched progress creep forward and backward, movements rise and fall. You know how this stuff works, far better than you let on." He had paused for Ohya to giggle at this, but he sounded so despondent that she only continued staring at him in anticipation. 

"After high school ended, I wanted to make a difference. I had mulled it over for a while, eventually I started thinking that the best option was to get involved in politics, to try to fight for the underprivileged, hear the voices of the unheard. But it's just... for all of my studying, all of my attempts to open people's hearts to even small changes, I can't seem to do enough."

This was a side to Ren that Ohya had never before seen, even in the difficult times after they had first met. It was both intriguing and unnerving. Ren had never seemed so vulnerable. Frankly it was also the most she had ever heard Ren speak continuously. Lala was even paying close attention, though she did her best to look busy behind the bar.

Ren came to his final point. "My question to you, Ohya, is this: do you think it's worth it?"

Ohya was taken aback by Ren's question, partly because of how un-Ren the whole thing was, partially because she wasn't especially used to people asking her for advice, at least outside of journalism.

"Where is this coming from? I've never heard you sound so... unsure. Let alone unsure enough to ask me for advice."

Ren felt a lump in his throat and began to feel like he should dial it all back, "I," he began before Ohya shushed him.

"Listen, Ren. I understand that you're frustrated. Who wouldn't be when they want to enact change in a system that is so good at rejecting it? I know that you've seen the corruption of the system first hand, hell you were famous for that. Hold that thought." 

Ohya directed Lala to pour her another shot, who shook her head but complied. Ohya hadn't expected serious business tonight and needed to prepare. After gulping it down, she continued.

"I don't know if I can answer your question. I think I'd like to say that it's worth fighting for, but the truth is the cynic in me sometimes makes me wonder. Maybe that's just the tequila talking, I dunno."

Ren was quiet for a moment, but then broke into a small grin. He wasn't really sure what exactly he expected her to tell him, but if nothing else he was touched by her sincerity. "Sorry Ohya," he said more jovially. "I've just been having a rough time with this stuff lately, I don't mean to burden you with it."

Ohya couldn't help but laugh with the sudden change in mood. "Ah, nothing to worry about Ren! We all have moments like that. You know, yeah, I do think you should keep fighting for change. Go out there, do your best!" 

Ren's smirk grew a bit, though his thoughts still worried him.

"Hey wait a minute, wait a minute," Ohya shouted. "Don't you know Toranosuke Yoshida? You mentioned once you guys still spoke once in a while. Did you seriously ask me about this stuff, of all people, over him? I had no idea your opinion of me was so high!"

Ren's smirk grew into a full grin. "The truth is, Ohya, I figured I'd get a more honest answer out of you. Yoshida is a good man, but you know his past, everyone does. If I asked him this I'd never hear the end of it."

It wasn't an unfair assessment and Ohya had a good laugh and gestured to Lala for another drink for her friend. Ren hadn't really talked to Yoshida for quite some time, the politician's star was rising through the political scene at a remarkable pace. Some pundits had even started calling him "The Hardest Working Man in Japan. He had become quite hard to get a hold of. Ren respected Yoshida and what he stood for, he was a good man.

Ren thought back to one of the last conversations they had, not long after Ren had started university. Yoshida had called him up, out of the blue, asking if Ren would like to work as an intern and support some of the politician's newest initiatives. "Ren, this is practical stuff. You can learn a lot working with my team, experiences that you can carry with you for the rest of your life. We'll have you where the action is."

Ren had turned down Yoshida, telling him that while he greatly appreciated the offer, he wanted to avoid using connections to gain a foothold in politics. Yoshida was disappointed, but more than that he was impressed by Ren's conviction and willingness to try and make it on his own. The reality is that Ren wasn't being entirely honest with either Yoshida or himself, but he tried his best not to think of it. As a matter of fact, he didn't tell anyone about Yoshida's offer, he felt even his closest friends would think he had gone mad.

The night went on and Ren reluctantly nursed his drink. He and Ohya spoke for a while longer, briefly about politics, but they quickly pushed that aside and reminisced about old times, about the various exposes that Ohya had written about the Phantom Thieves, her comprehensive digging into Shido's corruption. They were hard times back then, but they had a shared nostalgia about the whole thing.

It was getting late and Ren signalled to Lala to pay his tab, only for her to shake her head. "Honey, I got the impression earlier that you're going through some stuff, I don't dare make you pay."

"Besides, he drank like two beers that are damn near water!" Ohya couldn't help herself.

"Yeah, yeah." Ren chuckled.

"Take a shot with me Ren, come on you'll love it." It was rare for Ren to take Ohya up on this offer, but she couldn't help but recall how troubled he seemed earlier and thought that this might help take some of the edge off. She also just enjoyed watching his facial expression when he drank hard liquor.

"Well..."

"Don't let her bully you into it, honey," Lala jumped in. Even all these years later, she was still protective of Ren.

Ohya chortled, "Alright, alright, you don't have to, I'm not going to shove a shot glass down your throat!"

Oh, what the hell, thought Ren. "Okay you know what? One shot." Lala sighed and filled two small glasses, and produced some salt and a lemon for each. Ohya was postively beaming while she explained the process to Ren. 

"Okay Ren, down the hatch!"

For the first second, Ren was fine, it burned a little but that was it. Then it hit him, that taste. That taste he couldn't stand. He quickly and frantically licked the salt he had placed on his hand and bit into his lemon so desperately that he found himself chewing on a part of the rind.. The whole experience was torture.

Ohya, meanwhile, was killing herself laughing. Ren knew he would not be able to live this down on his next visit.

\-----

After saying his goodbyes and hearing Lala's usual warning about the dangers of nighttime Shinjuku, Ren set out into the night. It was January, bitterly cold, the bottom of Ren's long coat fluttered in the wind. While spending time with his old friends was a helpful distraction, he still couldn't shake the self-doubt and confusion that had brought him to the bar in the first place.

It had made sense to push himself towards politics, hadn't it? Was that not the best way to enact change, to make a positive difference in the world? He wasn't Joker anymore, he hadn't been Joker for years now. He thought he had accepted that, he tried to push the passion and energy he felt when he was a Phantom Thief into his studies, but he couldn't help feeling an ever-growing sense of listlessness. Ren felt the others had all been meeting so much more success after the group split up, everyone else seemed to know what they wanted to do with their lives, they all had seemed to have their shit figured out. Ren envied them, he couldn't figure out what he was missing. What was he supposed to do?

Being Joker had been the most difficult year of his life. He had seen things and dealt with problems that were otherworldly, sometimes incomprehensible. At times it almost felt like a dream, as if he couldn't even fully believe that any of it could have happened. From time to time he wondered if maybe Maruki was right, though he always quickly discarded that thought when he fully considered what exactly that had meant. 

Though he didn't want to admit it, Ren did miss the power. He was the Wild Card. Joker. Though he was impressive in both mind and body in the real world, nothing compared to how he felt in the metaverse. Power seemed to course through his body when he was there, with the presence of so many deities and creatures arising from the sea of his soul. God, how he missed that. There were times in the metaverse where he felt that he was unstoppable, nothing beyond his grasp.

But now things were different. He was just ordinary Ren Amamiya, political science student, part time barista, cat person. 

The problem of the future that weighed heavily on Ren's mind that evening wasn't always dominating his thoughts. When Ren really thought about it, he was living a charmed life. He enjoyed working with Sojiro and came to value the mutual respect they had built up over the years. Ren appreciated the fact that he was still close to all of his old friends from back in the Phantom Thieves days, sure they didn't see each other all of the time, but everyone was in touch, everyone still loved one another.

There was nothing more important to Ren then the love of his life, the woman he had met during that insane year. She was his goddess. He knew she would be back from the university when he got home. He couldn't wait to see her, without fail, she always lifted his spirits. He couldn't imagine ever loving anyone else the way that he loved her. She was simply the best. He needed to get home.

Ren, however, had made an unfamiliar detour on this night. Deep in thought, he wandered into a long alley, absent-mindedly thinking it a possible shortcut to the station. It was dark, far too dark to be comfortable. Had Morgana tagged along that night he certainly would have redirected Ren from that place. In the absence of the light, Ren was still able to see a figure appear.

It emerged from the shadows, moving toward him swiftly and deliberately. Behind him, Ren could also hear soft footsteps following him, the pace gradually increasing. Ren stopped and waited.

"Are we lost, little fella," the voice ahead of Ren chortled. "Me and my boys own this alley, are you prepared to pay the toll?"

It was at this point that Ren was able to make out who was talking to him. Beyond all other things, the man was very large, very tall. Very strong. He looked rough, to put it lightly. He didn't appear to be a man who would take no for an answer.

His voice was gruff and aggressive. "Alright boy, how about you hand over your bag and maybe our hearts will be so touched that you’ll get out of here in one piece.

Ren briefly glanced back behind him, seeing two more men that were not entirely dissimilar to the one standing before him. They were silent and there was a palpable air of violence about them. This was trouble, the kind of trouble he hadn't really experienced since his time as a Phantom Thief.

Ren didn't respond to the man's threat. He didn't feel the need to. A curious feeling came over him, one that he had last felt long before. The large man before him made some sort of new threat, but Ren didn't fully register what he had said. He instead took off his glasses and stared down his foe.

For a few moments, nothing happened. The alley was completely silent. Ren projected a calm that was almost eerie, even to him. The men that surrounded him felt nothing more than a sense of irritation. How dare this asshole disregard them! Was he stupid? Did he not realize what was about to happen to him? In the darkness, they all looked at eachother and wordlessly understood that it was time to beat this little shit down.

For Ren, the next few moments were nearly automatic. The men behind him tried to grab hold of him, only to be surprised by their target suddenly darting forward toward their leader. Ren slipped around the man effortlessly.

At this point, Ren could have run away, but he didn't. He chose to stay. He couldn't forget this feeling.

His assailants had grown only more angry by the sheer arrogance of the lanky man who stood before them. They all made attempts to grab him, punch him, smash him, but he was untouchable, effortlessly moving around them. At times he was so quick that he seemed like a shadow, completely intangible. 

Joker toyed with his opponents for a minute or so before feeling the need to call it a night. He stood between two of them, who both leapt forward to tackle him, only to have their heads collide together and fall to the ground in a groaning pile. The other man, both panicked and tired, made one final attempt to punch Joker, only to have his strike deflected and be tossed to the ground, gasping for air with the wind having left him. 

Joker, as relaxed and confident as he was when this ordeal started, leisurely put on his glasses and slowly walked away. He never actually thought that he would ever ever need to toss someone like she had shown him and yet here he was.

All of the troubling thoughts of the night had left him. Ren felt complete. There was no other way to describe it. There was, it seemed, a little more Joker still in him than he had realized. He didn't have the mask, he didn't have a Persona, but for that brief moment of time, he was Joker.

In a way, he smugly thought to himself, they could not have picked a worse target. Ren had fought more in one year than most people do their entire lives and while it wasn't a set of skills he had had to use in some time, it seemed like he was still as sharp as he was back then. He still had the touch.

Ren walked towards the station, reliving the situation over and over in his mind. It felt unbelievable, impossible. It was odd to Ren how good he felt, especially when he compared the brief encounter to some of the other opponents he faced back in the day; monsters, gods... He'd been through much worse scrapes than those men in the alley, but his success that night felt like a revelation. 

Ren was relieved to find that his train was nearly empty. Back during the Phantom Thieves days, he found that he got anxious in crowds after a night of combat, it seemed that today was no exception. 

Walking back to the apartment, he wasn't really sure whether or not to tell his girlfriend what had happened that night. Though he felt stronger than he ever had since his adventures as a Phantom Thief, Ren also felt a little ashamed of the experience. He didn't want to worry her. He knew how much she could worry. God the last thing he wanted to do was make her think he had a death wish. But he hated keeping things from her as well.

Ren walked into his apartment and as soon as he saw Makoto nothing else that happened that night seemed to matter to him. 

She was working at the kitchen table, which had seemingly become her office space for much of her time at home. She looked up at Ren and gave him a small, welcoming smile that he couldn't help but adore.

"You were out late, I was thinking I might need to go track you down." 

Ren kicked off his shoes, dropped his coat on the floor and briskly walked towards the woman he loved. Makoto stood up, briefly surprised by Ren's apparent disregard for their coat hanger and just before she was about to ask if he was alright he held her close and locked his lips with hers. This wasn't at all unlike Ren, of course, and Makoto closed her eyes and melted into his arms as she often did. Something felt different about him though and while she couldn't put her finger on what it was, she couldn't deny she enjoyed it.

Ren pulled away slightly and gazed into Makoto's eyes, a puckish smirk on his face. She felt he had an intensity about him that was familiar, yet unusual. It was peculiar but undeniably alluring. 

"Ren... I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but what's gotten into you?" Makoto whispered, still taken aback by how forward he was. She couldn't help but blush at his show of affection, something she was never able to shake after so many years of being with him. He was always trying to find new ways to surprise her.

"Makoto, I love you."

For that moment, that was all she needed to hear from him.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't ever really write, hopefully that doesn't come across too strongly.
> 
> Honestly not really sure if it's going to go anywhere beyond this, I do have other ideas as to where I would like things to go, but this may be a one-off. Game put its hooks into me and I felt inspired.
> 
> Also I never actually finished the Yoshida plot. So uh, hopefully he didn't die at the end or something.


End file.
